Fan mail

I used to send letters to my favorite celebrities up until the age of, um, 19. Sending a Christmas card to Peyton Manning SO does not count as fan mail because I did NOT include a self-addressed stamped envelope, nor did I include an 8x10 picture of him to be autographed and returned to me within 6 to 8 weeks. Really.
Before my love for Peyton, though, there was a very different blue-eyed man in my life, and that was Taylor Hanson. I was coy, of course, and didn't send him a letter specifically. Rather, I sent a joint letter to him and his three brothers, knowing that I would need to win their approval in order for them to break their "No Girls" rule for me.
I carefully read "TOTALLY TAYLOR!", my favorite book with color pictures in the center and garnered any information I could about Taylor. Then, when I finally wrote my letter, I wrote only about my interests. By some strange coincidence, I managed to have all the same interests as Taylor, right down to my affinities for mashed potatoes, Chumbawumba, and the word "weird". Who knew that their next hit single would be "Weird"? Not me...
I sent the letter off via snail mail and waited every day for a letter to arrive for me. After all, the book said that if I sent in an actual letter, I might get "something tangible in return". I looked up the word tangible. It has remained in my vocabulary since that day. The note never came, and while I occasionally sent letters to a few other celebrities (the 1997 release of Titanic allowed my friend Kelly and I to write a letter or two to Leo), Taylor always remained in my heart. Many years later, I found out about his marriage to his child bride while she was 4 months pregnant. I dearly hoped that she would get fat after giving birth, and now I hear that she has. THANK GOD. The only famous wife who I do not wish obesity on is Clive Owen's wife. I applaud him for being with such a heiffer. She must be a good cook. Good for you, Clive.
After years of waiting for Taylor to show up on my doorstep, I finally gave up hope. I waited for him, but he would never come. Until recently, I never thought I'd write a glowing letter again, but then I finished the book "Bitter is the New Black". I loved it more than anything and noticed that the author often included letters from her fans and her not-so-fanny readers, so I thought that maybe if I wrote something truly memorable, she'd publish it!
I vacillated between writing something scathing and pithy or warm and encouraging and finally decided on the latter. You attract more flies with honey, I've heard, although I hate flies and I would never leave out an open container of honey in an outdoor area where insects might show up unannounced. I thought it would take me hours to construct the perfect email, but instead I just wrote this:

To: jenwritesbooks@gmail.com
From: awebb@smu.edu
Subject: I can't think of a subject that would make you want to read this anymore than anyone else's email, thus no subject has been selected.

Hi Jen!

I just finished reading Bitter is the New Black (and yes, I italicized that because I am an English major and if this by chance gets printed in a future book, I don't want a professor to read it and say that I am a stupidhead for not properly writing out a book title) and LOVED it. I must say, I formerly thought myself to be the most bitter person on the planet and prided myself on being a malignant, albeit hilarious, tumor on the distorted face of society. This is not to say that I consider you to be the equivalent of a disfiguring facial growth. You are most certainly not. Anyway, if you remove all my digressions from this email you will see that what I am essentially trying to say is, you rock, and from now on I am going to be more careful with my spending. Right after I buy myself a pair of BCBG buckled riding boots that I will wear if I ever decide to take up horseback riding. Not that I'd be willing to ruin them in manure, ew. You are fabulous, your dogs are fabulous, your husband is fabulous, and I will love you until the end of time. Thanks for giving me the first book that has literally made me fall out of my poolside chair in hysterics upon reading about your scarfing of popcorn, anteater style.
Regards,
Alyssia
Aspiring Writer, but most likely to sell roses under a bridge instead.

Do you think she'll publish me in her next book? I hope so. It gets released May 2008....maybe there's still time for an addition!