Carrie Bradshaw, or "Why I Will Never Order a Cosmopolitan"

I hate Carrie Bradshaw. Anyone who knows me for more than a day can attest to this, and if you are not fully aware of my hatred for TV's favorite tousled it-girl, then you will be in the next three minutes, depending on your reading speed.
Pictures have just been released of Big and Carrie from the Sex and the City movie, set to premiere at the end of May next year. Of course I'll see the movie opening weekend because I love Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha, and Big, but those affections combined cannot overwhelm my animosity towards Carrie.
I could go on and on about the ten zillion reasons why I hate Carrie Bradshaw, but I'll keep this limited to a few select ones. I do have to say that I'm sorry, Candace Bushnell. I love your writing, but Carrie (i.e. your masterpiece) is a thorn in the side of every rational human being I know. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Don't get me wrong- I LOVE SARAH JESSICA PARKER. I own her perfume, and I applaud her for appearing in Gap commercials even though her singing is atrocious and she slaughtered "I Enjoy Being a Girl". Her clothing line is cute and affordable, and she puts on a valiant attempt to act as if she is unaware of the fact that she is one of the most heinous looking actresses in Hollywood, Bollywood, and every other genre of global cinema. That clarification aside, I now present to you my list.
"Why I will Never Order a Cosmopolitan"
Reason #1: Sarah Jessica Parker could SO act better than she does! Its as if she is trying to portray the role of a woman who cannot behave normally. I know all of it is scripted, but does it really say in italicized writing on her script, "Strut as if you have severe scoliosis and rub at your hair as if you have an incurable case of head lice"? NO. She was fantastic and sexy in Hocus Pocus. She was redeemingly funny in The Family Stone and didn't try to outshine Rachael McAdams- who could? But in SATC, she made everyone's life just a little bit worse.
Reason #2: Her voice. I would rather listen to the sound of scarab beetles eating the Mummy (aka Arnold Vosloo) alive than her voice. I can't hold this one against SJP- I've heard her talk in real life, and its nothing like Carrie's sugary sweet, breathy voice. It's awful, especially when combined with...
Reason #3: Her mannerisms. How many times must one jut out one's chin dramatically (as if it weren't promiment enough) to prove that one is confused, pensive, or unsure? Go ahead, go watch Sex and the City right now if you have the DVDs (if not its on TBS at 11/10c), and tell me if you don't notice it.
Reason #4: She has been called a fashion icon. This is a major problem that even SJP admitted to on the E! True Hollywood story of SATC. She said that normal women don't walk down the street wearing what she wears but its part of her job. In that same THS, someone said that her style was even Carrie-d to the fashion runways (that's me saying Carrie-d, not him); he also said that she made women become fashionable. FALSE. Anyone who copied something Carrie wore (except for a few choice items, like the orange dress she wears in L.A.) hopefully regrets that choice by now and looks at it as a lesson learned. I mean really, who one earth would take a cue from someone who wore a red cowboy hat, a yellow pleather tube top, and a sarong, all in one evening?
Reason #5: Her "cute" mouth twitch she developed midway through Season 3. I think that maybe all the people telling her how adorable she was finally went to her head and caused her to begin turning up one corner of her mouth to express "oh well" or "aw shucks" or "ya caught me!". It's the most infuriating smirk in the universe because I watch her knowing that not a single person had the guts to tell her that she looks absolutely ridiculous.
and finally,
Reason #6: Her snappy one-liners. I don't have a rant for this one. All I have is this: One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat.

I hate to be so harsh on one single person. That's a lie. I love it. I will always point and jeer at people who I think look or behave ridiculously, just like a little child might do before his mother tells him its rude. No one has told me that this is rude so far, so until then, I'll just say
....you're only young once but you can be immature forever.