"Is 7 years-old too young to have a cell phone?"

The title of this blog is an actual sentence uttered to me a mere four hours ago in the coffee shop. There I was, innocuously typing on my computer, and this odd boy just saunters right up to me and stands there. I didn't look up because CLEARLY I was busy (playing text twist but who cares, the typing was furious and for all he knew, I could be hard at work writing my dissertation or something important), but he just stood there and didn't go away. It would be difficult to describe the rest of this encounter in paragraph form, thus it will be recorded in a manner similar to a screenplay, complete with stage instructions, etc. I will be referred to as "BITTER: Broad In The T-Shirt Eating Raisins". He will be referred to as "DORK: Dude Oblivious to Repulsed Kid". I know I'm not a "kid" but that's all I've got to make the acronym work.

DORK: Ahem.
BITTER (thinking in her head): B-A-R-E-L-Y YES I GOT THE SIX-LETTER WORD! B-A-R, L-A-B, E-A-R...
DORK: AHEMMM.
BITTER (not looking up from her computer): Would you like a cough drop?
DORK: No. Ahemmmm
BITTER (still not making eye contact): Sounds like quite a cold you've got there. Lots of phlegm. Spit it out.
DORK: You're funny.
BITTER: Are you ready for that cough drop?
DORK: Is 7 years-old too young to have a cell phone?
BITTER (finally glancing up and instantly taken aback by the daisy colored polo-clad creeptard in front of her): Why, are you considering getting one for your daughter?
DORK: No, I'm not a father.
BITTER: Shame. I hear its life's greatest joy.
DORK: I mean I just got off the phone with my cousin and she's 7. We talked for 20 minutes. She has a cell phone.
BITTER: You sat on that couch with your phone silently for 5 minutes before coming over here, so I disagree.
DORK: Okay
BITTER: Okay.
DORK: She's got a cell phone.
BITTER: Yes, I heard that. I saw a kindergartener with a cell phone once but I think it was an old one.
DORK: Kindergarten? Man that's young.
BITTER: What grade is she in?
DORK: Who?
BITTER: This cousin you so lovingly speak of.
DORK: Third.
BITTER: Did she skip a grade? You usually turn 7 during 1st grade.
DORK: Maybe she's 8 now.
BITTER: Well that changes everything.
DORK: Does it?
BITTER: I don't know. Or care.
(BITTER returns to her important computer work and ignores DORK hoping he will take the hint and leave)
DORK: So that's too young, right?
BITTER: Doesn't she have school right now? Why is she calling you when she should be using Model Magic at school?
DORK: She doesn't have school.
BITTER: Why?
DORK (realizing his plan is faltering and BITTER maybe catching on): ...she got sent home.
BITTER: Do her parents work?
DORK: Her Dad does but her Mom stays at home.
BITTER: Then if she got sent home, why would she calling you from her cell phone? Wouldn't she just use the house phone?
DORK: She likes her cell phone.
BITTER: Did she tell you what kind of cell phone it is?
DORK: No.
BITTER: Then its not hers. She'd brag about what kind of phone it was if she actually owned it. Or maybe she stole it. She could be on the run from the law, in which case you'd be aiding and abetting. I could turn you in for this.
(BITTER assumes since DORK is ridiculous enough to carry on this conversation, DORK will fall for her attempt to make him go away, preferably to Tibet)
DORK: No, I've got an alibi
BITTER (thinking that an alibi has absolutely nothing to do with this): Is this supposed to segue into you noticing that I, too, have a cell phone and you'd like the number for it?
DORK:..........(mouth breathing, uncomfortable shifting of eyes)......
BITTER (begins texting her friend who is sitting at a table nearby having lunch. They've already said hello but are doing work separately. Friend has been listening this entire time): SAVE ME FROM THIS CREEP
BITTER's phone rings.
BITTER: Hello? Oh hi! You're right behind me! Oh, isn't that funny? Well of course I'll come visit with you! I'll be right there!
DORK: Are you leaving?
BITTER: Yes, you're very astute.
DORK: Well....
BITTER: TTYL.
DORK (gets up to leave so it looks like he didn't completely get shut down): Nice to meet...uh...I better go..See you around...(seeing the look of surprise on BITTER's face) No? Okay...
BITTER starts to traipse away happily when someone grabs her arm. She shall be called "GIRL: Grumpy Is Rudely Listening"
GIRL (gruffly, grumpily, and every other g adjective with negative connotations barks this): Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude (she does) but did he just ask you if his 7 year old cousin should be allowed to have a cell phone?
BITTER: Yes.
GIRL: Well I don't mean to lower your confidence (she does) but he asked a friend of mine the same thing a few days ago. He does that.
BITTER: Well, I hate him and I'm sure your friend does, too. Thank you for your time.

I swear I did not elaborate on this conversation. If anything, I censored it by not punctuating it with the numerous sighs, rueful smiles, and eye-rolls that occurred. Now I must go and shower 10 times to get the slime of DORK off of me.