I would use an Unforgivable Curse on the New England Patriots.

This blog is dedicated to my father, the only one who will actually fully comprehend everything I'm about to say.

This season it seems like the long-awaited prophecy has been fulfilled; yes, that's right, I'm talking about Tom Brady taking over the world one square-jawed idiot at a time. I hate that his receivers are so good this season. Wes Welker always looks like he has terrible flatulence and is trying to hold in his gas, hoping to God that the lousy fans cheer loud enough so that no one notices the small squeaks he's emitting on the field. I can't say much about Randy Moss, he seems like a pretty decent guy but still, that doesn't stop me from hating the New England Patriots more than any other team in the NFL.
If the NFL were Harry Potter, Tom Brady would be Lord Voldemort, easily, except he'd probably be more like Tom Marvolo Riddle prior to becoming Lord Voldemort. Tom Riddle had many various successes in scaring the daylights out of people and even killed poor Moaning Myrtle with the basilisk (even if it was an accident). Then Riddle became Lord Voldemort, probably after he killed (won) his fourth muggle (Superbowl). The fact that everyone is amazed by Brady and his superbowl wins and his team which is "arguably the best in the NFL" just upsets me more because the whole team is full of completely useless human beings.
Bellatrix Lestrange, quite possibly the worst and most horrible character ever written, is Bill Belichick without a doubt. Bellatrix killed my favorite HP character and now Belichick is killing my life. Their names even rhyme. It's too perfect. Bill Belichick is a. a cheater, b. a liar, c. a sore loser, and d. completely unsanitary. That sweatshirt is filled with more than just sweat and Wal-Mart brand gray cotton. If you squeezed that sweatshirt into test tubes and let it percolate for nine months after performing some sort of stem cell voodoo on it, you would have three whining crybabies. That sweatshirt carries the hidden sneakiness, unnecessary cockiness, and overall robotic nature of the Patriots with it; the three beings formed from it would basically be Tonya Harding's ex-husband, Michael Scott, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator.
Continuing with the hazy metaphors (and if you don't like Harry Potter and/or enjoy football, all of this is already lost on you), Peyton Manning is clearly Harry James Potter. The hero of the hour, every hour, every day. Just as Harry was "the boy who lived", Peyton is also, only in a few more words. He's more like "the boy who won even though everyone thought he would choke for the tenth time". He breaks records and does things that no one expected him to do. Harry survived the Avada Kedavra curse. What more proof do you need that he's the best wizard ever? Peyton broke his dry spell with his Superbowl win (okay, so it was the Bears, but who cares? At least their name sounds menacing even if they do suck), proving that he's the best quarterback ever. Both are humble and unwanting of attention, although Peyton does tend to give the impression that he likes fame, what with his 470 commercials currently in circulation.
Marvin Harrison = Ron Weasley. Easygoing and sweet in nature, both are the right-hand men of their respective heroes and know when to let the other have the spotlight. Naturally, Harrison was acknowledged for his achievements last season, just as Ron is always awarded points to the house of Gryffindor every year at the banquet by Dumbledore because he undoubtedly showed bravery in helping Harry. The love between Marvin and Peyton is unstoppable. Yes, Peyton has a laser rocket arm but where would he be without Harrison there to anticipate his moves and deal with his constant barrage of audibles? I trust Peyton's judgement but that has GOT to get annoying.
Then you've got Joseph Addai, the newcomer, as Neville Longbottom. Neville showed promise from the very first book where he tried to keep Hermione, Ron, and Harry from going out and rescuing the Sorcerer's Stone from the evil clutches of Voldemort, and now he keeps coming into his own as this season is underway. Did you see him in the game against the Jags? That guy is such a beast, he just keeps plowing through and doesn't stop for any man. I'm so proud of Addai and hope he keeps getting better because for a third round draft pick last year he's quickly becoming one of the many stars on the Orion's belt that is the Indianapolis Colts.
Tony Dungy is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. There can be no debate about this statement, except maybe to say that Tony Dungy isn't gay like how Dumbledore turned out to be. Still, he shows great strength as a headmaster and coach with his quiet wisdom. Granted, Dumbledore had half-moon spectacles and Dungy only has that larger-than-life Motorola headset that looks like a fake inflatable headset you win at a state fair game of balloon darts.
J.K. Rowling knows what she's doing when she doesn't let all the good guys win in her books. There are some casualties along the way and even though good defeats evil in the end, it doesn't come without payinga hefty price. At least Harry defeats Voldemort in the most unconventional way, and hopefully Peyton Manning will continue to do the same to that snake Tom Brady. No matter how many rings he has, Brady will always be the cube-headed oaf who puts those black oil things on his cheeks even when he's playing in a closed stadium. I know the lights are bright, Tom, but suck it up. Peyton Manning does.