Excuses, excuses

Apparently, seven years at a private school and two years so far in college have taught me one true thing: In any given situation, at any given time, one can ALWAYS procure a rationalization, regardless of age, gender, or knowledge.
For example, today I rationalized that instead of going to the gym for a workout where I would inevitably lose zero pounds and zero inches because I lack the stamina to remain on an elliptical machine for more than 20 minutes unless there is something really good on TV, it would be a much better use of my time if I spent that exercising hour outside, tanning by the pool. After all, every good magazine tells me that tanning can make you appear 5 pounds slimmer at least!
Exhibit A: Mariah Carey does it all the time; the world has yet to realize that she does, in fact, have the physique of a body builder only without the muscles. Or maybe she now resembles Danielle Fishel of Boy Meets World fame, now the spokesperson for NutriSystem. Poor Danielle. I suspect the reason behind her weight gain is that off-camera, she devoured all those clown burgers at Chubby Checker's that Cory ordered.
Exhibit B: Britney, duh. Her abs were spray-painted on, according to inside sources at the VMAs. Honestly, who can judge her based on that? Given the opportunity and well-trained technicians (if that is a word used to describe people extremely adept at applying a faux bronze glow), I would allow ab muscles to be spray-painted on my body...and so would the rest of Hollywood and the world, if they could admit it. After having 2 children, I'm surprised she managed to hide her C-Section scar with those low-riding, love handle-hugging sparkle briefs. I noticed in one of the many pictures I was poring over, or maybe I noticed it when I was watching her performance for the 50th time on Tivo, that her tattoos on her hips (the one of the fairy and another one that I believe is a cursive "B" if I recall Teen People's article some 5 years ago) were much fainter in color. At first I thought, "Good for you, B. Way to not get your ink touched up and focus on your career." Upon further examination, I realized that the tattoos were not faded, they were STRETCHED OUT from being at a spot on her stomach which gets larger when one is with child. Seriously, nowadays, if you plan on having children with a slumming backup dancer, you MUST get your tattoos lasered off prior to getting pregnant. If the caustic mixture of her cheeto-scarfing, barefoot gas station bathroom-walking genes and his Sean John-clad seed inside her didn't cause her to explode like how it should have, she should have thought about the future of her once prized abdomen.
Exhibit C: Zac Efron. He doesn't need to look any slimmer, but his fake bake certainly makes the gay rumors seem a lot more plausible. It would also explain why Vanessa didn't send those nudey wudey pictures to him; clearly, that's not his thing. Maybe her Louis Vuitton purse in the background is better suited to his tastes.
Well, I've allowed the appropriate amount of time to pass between tanning and showering in order to allow my body to absorb as much color as possible, so I'm off.